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FIFA Rankings for World Cup Slogans

Posted May 18, 2014

In the run-up to the 2014 FIFA World Cup, all 32 national teams have assembled to practice, and allow their coaches to determine which lucky 23 players will go to Brazil. As part of the mounting excitement, each national soccer program has released its team's World Cup Slogan.

In reality, the underlying slogan for any World Cup squad is "We will drive the ball so far down your keeper's throat he'll find it tomorrow in his shoes," and they probably don't need some pithy, Tweet-ready slogan, but behind every championship team is a group of liberal arts majors striving to capture their nation's hearts. In two months from now nobody will remember that you wrote these beautiful, polished poems, or that Bosnia/Herzegovina have a soccer team, but today, language nerds, we salute you.

Desert warriors in Brazil

I think I saw this documentary once, narrated by Richard Attenborough. The desert warriors in Brazil wandered across the Pantanal, looking for a homeland, and did not cease until they reached the healing waters of the Amazon.

Not just a team, we are a country

And a soap! And a rock band! And a color!

Socceroos: hopping our way into history!

Making a pun by referencing your own team name is slogan gold.

Expect the impossible!

Belgium, you need to discuss this possible/impossible conundrum with France. Preferably in Flemish.

Bosnia and Herzegovina
Dragons in heart, dragons on the field!

Translated from the old Bosnian pickup line "a wagon on the streets, a dragon between the sheets."

Brace yourselves! The 6th is coming!

Brace yourselves for the riots if the home team doesn't win its sixth cup after spending forty quintillion dollars on infrastructure stadiums, bribes, and slum cleansing.

A lion remains a lion

Way to throw in the Game of Thrones reference, you Lannisters of West Africa!

Chi Chi Chi!, Le Le Le! Go Chile

They stole this from the knife-stabby sounds made every time Jason Vorhees is about to filet a coed in the Friday the 13th series.

Here travels a nation, not just a team!

And that's why you can't find a hotel room in Brazil. (drops mic, leaves)

Costa Rica
My passion is football, my strength is my people, my pride is Costa Rica

There is no 'my' in team. Though there is a 'me' in team. Who is the me in this slogan? The King of Costa Rica? Yep. I lived in Costa Rica and I can't think of anyone famous from there aside from Oscar Arias, and Bianca Jagger, who's actually from Nicaragua.

Ivory Coast
Elephants charging towards Brazil!

Depending on your perspective, this image invokes either the fierce rampage of Hammurabi, or is just adorable.

With fire in our hearts, for Croatia all as one!

'All as one' what? A giant roving band of fire-spouting Heart people?

One commitment, one passion, only one heart, this is for you Ecuador!

Only one heart. That must be so hard for you, Ecuador, since 99.5% of the world's population has two hearts. (That world being Gallifrey).

The dream of one team, the heartbeat of millions!!

Millions of fans who will be disappointed, again, and if they're watching in Brazil, terribly, terribly sunburnt.

Impossible is not a French word

I'm pretty certain the only phrase I remember from 7th grade French is "c'est impossible!"

One nation, one team, one dream!

Stolen from a U2 song.

Black Stars: here to illuminate Brazil

Every time I read this I think they're implying they plan to "humiliate," rather than "illuminate." Then I wonder if Black Star is technically a black hole, in which case it should be "Black Stars: here to suck Brazil down into a meaningless void of super strong gravity."

Heroes play like Greeks

And upon winning the cup, these heroes will sleep with their mothers, kill their fathers and stab themselves blind.

We are one country, one nation, five stars on the heart

Are you pointing out the subtle diference between the words nation and country just to make us feel bad?

Honour of Persia

Guys, remember: if they call us Persians instead of Iranians they won't mistake us for terrorists. Again.

Let's paint the Fifa World Cup dream blue

Yeah because nothing says "champion" like "go for the blue." Painting the World Cup blue is my second favorite prank to painting the other team's mascot goat orange (then blaming it on the Dutch).

Samurai, the time has come to fight!

Let's bring swordplay into this. Kōhai, fetch me my katana!

South Korea
Enjoy it, Reds!

This delightful phrase replaced their more politically charged slogan, "Suck it, North!"

Always united, always Aztecas

This would be an amazing slogan for a Mexican airline. 'Fly Aztecas, we only crash when facing the United States.'

Real men wear orange.

Yes. Real men in prison. Which is coincidentally how the Dutch play football.

Only together we can win

Simple. Clear. Boring.

The past is history, the future is victory

The subtext is listen, Cristiano Ronaldo, we voted you the Ballon d'Or, and if you don't make good the promise that "this time it's Portugal's turn," we're going to parachute you into an arena of your hangry ex-girlfriends, with nothing for your defense except hair gel.

No one can catch us

A direct quote from Vladimir Putin about Crimea.

Inside our hearts, the passion of a champion

Outside our hearts, blood and other gross body stuff, and the passion of some halfway decent basketball players.

Final stop: 07-13-14 Maracana!

And the Swiss know something about trains running on time.

Three million dreams let's go Uruguay

It seems like such a simple, sweet sentence. Then I wonder what exactly you're hiding in those ellipses, Uruguay. 'Three million dreams, Luis Suarez will be wearing rocket boots and a machete for all games, let's go Uruguay!'

United by team, driven by passion

I'm so disappointed by the United States, the country that gave us "all men are created equal," and the famous burn "We hold these truths to be self-evident." This is the worst focus-group tested drivel I've ever seen. Either that or it they just plucked some random phrases from Clint Dempsey's tattoos.



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